Britain: My Worst Rail Experiences Ever
How was your journey to work this morning?
Several weeks ago, EcoWorldly investigated public transport options around the world in a series of articles which concluded that public transport can be a pleasant, effective and extremely viable form of transportation.
During the week we looked at many positives, from bus travel in South Korea, to Rail Travel in Europe and even Camel Transport in the desert.
But what of the negative aspects of public transport? These aspects are becoming increasingly important, since despite the best efforts of governments and environmental groups, motorists will not give up the car unless viable alternatives exist.
Authors, Anthony Miall and Davil Milsted, wrote in The Xenophobes Guide To The English, “The English take an almost masochistic pride in their public transport system, a system which even a third world country would consider as a disgrace.” With this in mind, and having previously had the opportunity to sample public transport around the world from the Railways of India, Thailand and China, to the Metro of Mexico City, the River Boats of Dubai and the cross country buses of Guatemala - not to mention the super efficient railways where I live in Switzerland - I decided to sample the railways of my native Britain once again to see how they compare against the rest of the world, and more importantly, against the car.
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Were Miall and Milsted right or wrong? After evaluating my British railway experiences from several different perspectives, here are my conclusions:
Cost
“That will be 92 pounds please sir,” asked the clerk behind the ticket counter at Coventry station.
“No, I’m sorry - I would like a single ticket to London, second class,” I replied, being sure that my initial request had been misunderstood - no doubt due to the the thick wall of glass and scratchy intercom that separated us in order to isolate rail workers from lower life forms such as passengers.
“Yes, 92 pounds,” he answered testily, oblivious to the fact that this sum of money could have easily transported me by aircraft to Helsinki, Barcelona, Estonia, practically any destination in Europe, much less the 1 hour train ride to London.
In disbelief I handed over my credit card, just as a helpful passenger in the queue behind me pointed out that if I asked instead for a return ticket, then my journey would be significantly cheaper - which it was, by almost half.
Whereas fares in most countries are a simple mathematical function of distance travelled, class of travel and sometimes age of traveller, in the UK it appears that a whole new branch of mathematics has been devised to calculate rail fares which is well beyond my understanding. Meanwhile the ticket clerk’s eyes remained focused on something far in the distance as he no doubt wondered how anybody could be so stupid as to not understand why a day-return is cheaper than a single ticket.
Time
Having quickly become used to the experience of daylight robbery, which is effectively rail travel in Britain today, my initial expectation was of fast and efficient travel - after all, those huge amounts of cash must end up somewhere, right?
At 10.42 my train had yet to arrive. Ok, 2 minutes late is not a problem. At 10.52, by which time a Japanese train driver would be reaching for his Samurai sword, there was still no sign of a train. Never mind, as an Englishman, one rarely complains and tries to maintain a stiff upper lip in all circumstances. By 11.00, presumably having finished his tea break, the Station Master (or whatever they call themselves these days) made an announcement informing expectant passengers that our train would be 50 minutes late due to “congestion in the Reading area”.
Congestion? Trains? I had always, and apparently wrongly understood that congestion was a phenomena attributable to road traffic: random variations in traffic volume which can lead to buildups of heavy traffic in some areas and hence delays, known as congestion.
Trains, on the other hand, rely on a strict schedule, known as a Timetable which is designed to ensure that the journeys planned match the infrastructure available. Clearly the mathematicians at work in the fare calculation department have also had a hand in timetabling, using perverse forms of mathematics to introduce random variability and therefore congestion into the timetable.
Non UK residents often dismiss jokes about British railway problems such as delays due to “Leaves on the line” and “Wrong kind of snow.” Surely this is typical British over exaggeration of the pessimistic side of life? Few realize that just like congestion, these are genuine announcements heard by many a traveler on our island.
Facilities
British Railway stations are often windswept and desolate places. If you ever want to know what the end of the world may feel like, and if you can stand the smell of urine, then spend 30 minutes waiting at Southampton Central station, or Birmingham International, or any number of passenger confinement areas around the country.
Many of these hubs of the British transport network feature cosy warm cafes and book shops, providing glimpses of civilization. The trains themselves feature useful innovations such as small shops, bars, Internet access and power outlets for laptops. In fact pretty much every need is catered for, except that of actually getting to your destination on time.
Many toilets are equipped with sophisticated hygienic systems, such as touch free toilet flushers, taps and soap dispensers. In fact, railway staff have such confidence in the ability of these systems to provide the ultimate in toiletry hygiene that they stopped actually cleaning them years ago.
Summary
Accepted, this article fails to look on the bright side. But is my experience atypical? No. Talk to many UK rail travelers and they will recount similar and frequent experiences. The real problem is that, unfortunately, many people expect little more and are subsequently conditioned to favour the car and to discount public transport as ill-effective.
If we are serious about moving people from private to public transport then we must first focus on providing a system that people can feasibly use, and which meets our real needs for freedom of mobility.
I no longer live in the UK, but if I did, having been spoiled by the comparative luxury of public transport in other parts of the world, I believe I would have some serious reservations about selling the car and submitting my self to the purgatory of British rail transport.
Unfortunately Miall and Milsted were undoubtedly correct.
Photo courtesy of Luke Seall.
As an Australian who has been living in the UK since 2001, I sat nodding in bemused silence reading this post. It’s spot on - in terms of how the British are expected to react to adversity, how that is used to provide appalling levels of service, and how nobody really seems to be trying to fix what’s wrong. I suppose such problems are “best left to the next government in power…”
I try to avoid my car wherever possible, particularly as I live just outside Reading (of congestion fame), but when a 25 minute fast train journey to Paddington can take 3 hours - or when a 20 minute tube journey can take 2 hours (I had both on one day once) - there’s little alternative. And the roads are getting more and more clogged.
I’ve coined a phrase about Britain since living here: Britain is a third world country dressed in first world clothes. Many first and third world immigrants I’ve spoken to, as well as many of the natives, seem to agree. Nearly everyone I speak to can’t wait to move to another country. Sad, isn’t it?
I have traveled by train in the UK once roundtrip - from London through Scotland and back - and I quite enjoyed it. I cannot wait for another opportunity to take the train through the UK.
what a humorous piece! of course central Mexico and the South of Spain may win similar attributes, your writing was flawlessly funny.
hang onto the little car for awhile. while the horse and buggy catch up. next decade will prove vastly forward,
Every word is true, believe me, I live in the UK and would only submit myself to public transport under severe duress.
Just one (there are some many to choose from) little anecdote; I use Richmond station from time to time. Richmond is a charming well heeled town about 5 miles from central London. I needed to use the toilet on the platform. I walked into something that you would be forbidden to keep animals in. It was filthy. There was a pile of blown litter under the sinks (there was no door to protect it from the elements). It smelled horrible. On the wall was a notice which said (and I kid you not), “These toilets are inspected regularly. If you discover any defects, please report them to the Station Manager”.
Mr Station Manager, if you need me to tell you, you’ve got a problem.
I was contemplating a trek accross South America as an experience of a lifetime, but perhaps a trip from Lands End to the tip of Scotland via Wales would be as challenging!
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